You all laughed at me. Pointed, held me down, gave me Chinese burns and stuck signs on my back!

But now who’s laughing?! ME! That’s right! My absurdist lust for abusing companies! But now it’s paying OFF!

That’s right. Of ALL my produce ranting adventures, this was surly the most …conclusive.

Sure I had to tell a few chocolate lies about allergies and my being an orphan and having no money or the like. But hey! Don’t judge me! I’m the only one round here who got RESULTS!

I shall explain:

Following the Rant-taclar events concerning my debacle with the disillusioned M&M’s in the SKITTLES packets, many of you were less then encouraging, save some who to were victims, if not empathizing with my pain.

Now I did admit my first action would be legal- but as it turns out, I wasn’t a necessary step. Once I had found the number, and had a long and pleasant formal chat with the customer service rep on the other end of the line, MARS (the company who makes m&m’s and skittles) was More then willing to compensate me for my troubles and thanked me graciously for alerting them to the issue.\

That’s right! Thanked me! For my ranting! I’ve even got it in WRITING! And you ll thought I was crazy!

I’ll have you know, were I allergic to chocolate as I lied, it would be a very serious issue. Clearly all other patrons with chocolate allergies taking joy in a skittle or two who DID encounter and m&m are already dead!

Were I not immune and able to inform the high ministries of this error, the world of skittles may have gone long into the maddening decent of chocolate forever!!!

Yeah! So come on! Thank me for my time bitches!

Anyway, today I open the mail to find two wonderful gifts:

1- a detailed carefully written letter from MARS apologising for my anguish and thanking me. And enclosed a voucher for FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! - or 500 cents if you like- to be redeemed at any participating stores. And yes- food land IS just ONE of the 10 stores of my choosing.

2- And a letter for Sharon- who btw is now a confirmed MRS (and I assume female-though no offence to all the bottom taker girly male Sharons out there) and its turns out Sharon is married too…. RONALD!!

Ronald and Sharon sitting in a tree,
Coz I got their M-A-I-L-I-N-G….s
First came bills, then came advertisements
Then came the Ronald’s mortgage payments.

Anyway, so I get their mail still, and yes I will always open it-until the day Ronald and Sharon turn up and Ronald turns out to be some big buff pimp dude threatening to ‘go upside my head’ if I don’t ad forward it.

Hey, why discriminate. I guess Sharon could possibly give me a run for my money in a fight. I am pretty piss weak. I just panic, flail and start kicking out a lot. That’s my first reaction to threat. Kick, run, retell the story.

So speaking about mail and the like; not to like upset any PETA patrons or Vegan Chicks, but a lot of dead animals had started ending up round her lately.

When it was just One huge as rat left on the doorstep- we thought it was my cat being a cat and saying: look what I brought you.

Not so long after a possum- sorry, the bottom HALF a possum, turns up on the lawn. Apparently cut in half rather then chewed.

And we’ve always had a level amount of bird deaths round here.

Is my house built on some ancient age old aboriginal burial ground? Did a disgruntled gardener- who had always harboured a deep dislike of this neighbourhood and was killed by a wasp sting or downed in a backyard pool haunt my block? Are my neighbours leaving dead mammals on my porch?
-I wouldn’t put it past them. Fucking psychos. I swear, since this summer promises to be a cancerous one, if ‘the roof needs fixing’ while we’re in the pool again: I am so calling the cops.

Ever eaten those pop rock things? I bot hate and love those. I love the crunchy sweetness, and I don’t mind when it crackles- In your mouth. But when you swallow and its like sitting on your tonsils going crackle-crackel-crackel I feel like sticking my finger down my throat to scrape them clean.

Naruto Rant:
AHHH! DON”T DIE JIRIYA!!! I feel like he’s gunna die, either that or he’ll loose this fight in the end but escape (narrowly). Damnit! Naruto seems to have disappeared from the manga atm. Where For Art Thou Naruto?

You know you’re a Naruto addict and proud of it when I asked my mother in a VERY excited mood: DO YOU KNOWE WHAT TODAY IS???

She answered immediately if bored: Naruto’s birthday.

I was shocked but so very pleased. I have infulance!!!


That mood ain lying. I *really* do have to pee.

O’s and L’s are a fun paring.
You disagree? I harpoon you in the face.

*pppaaaaTOOONG!*

What? That’s not the noise harpoons make when they meet flesh? Of course it is! haven’t yo ever watched FreeWilly 3?! Geeze.

In Recent Events:
Ever just hunted through like your underwear draw and found some of the most random shit you could that you haven’t seen in like years? I can’t even remember what I was looking for originally- like a glove or something. And under the depths of ting si don’t wear anymore-school socks form year 8- I found: 1x king of hearts playing card, 35 cents worth of small change, 1x an old eye liner and much foundation powder, a blank cd rom- I have yet to discover what terrible secrets it holds, several incriminating documents of the old schools days- forged notes and the like, and a bandaid- unused.

Ahh the memories…. I remember when all you’d need to amuse yourself was a card, a bandaid and an eye liner.

On minute you’d be a Viking, laying siege on a playing card. The next you’d be pirate sailing away on a bit of bandaid with an eyeliner.

Yesh….
I also found my year 12 or 11 school diary. Oh the quotes I wrote on it:
>“everyone is racist expect me. Coz I’m black.” -Ahh! How half true that is.
>“In a past life I was a stereo. With speakers, and volume and a turbo… Maybe I was a Sony!”
What a waste of my permanent texter. One of the best things i ever wrote was on the school brick walls. Vera, Jess, Dani and co and such- did I thing on one wall in the canteen where we wrote facts about individual bricks. Such as: This brick has more secrets then an episode of Lost. This brick is haunted. This brick is gay, but doesn’t know it yet. This brick knows….


In Recent Legal Battles:
Me and Nestle go head to head! The legal triad even gave the popular legal script writer Dick Wolf an idea based on the incident. See his upcoming show: CRU- Confectionary Relocation Unit at 75 past 12 on TBS weeknights.

Concerning Placement:
I recently just finished my placement and now am an official employ of ABC child car centres (all of a sudden there’s a mass withdrawn of applicants at these centres by panicked bible mothers) and education express- which is the same job, just different places.

Anyway, placement id two weeks of working unpaid in a particular centre and doing all the bum jobs- like the laundry and dishwashing- which I loved because it gives you a break to children.

Anyway, I’m sitting there, playing ‘hairdresser’ and child A is brushing my hair while I flip through a Barbie magazine requesting particular hair styles.
Child A mentioned she was going to put (pretend) gel through my hair via the empty bottle.
I asked her: Oh! What does the gel do?
This is what got in return:
“It makes your hair so it thinks it’s not fat.”

My reply was: “…………ardon?”

She elaborated for me.
“It get’s in your hair and makes it so its not fat.”

So she applied the said ‘disillusioning fat-less (pretend) gel’ and continued doing her thing and tangled a brush in my bangs, while I sat there wondering; ‘…What?...’

Its not surprising that four year olds are aware that ‘fat = bad’ in his day an age, but anyone think there is a point when even a four year old will know that:
‘fat = condition/opinion/fact-of-life/social-blemish’ and that just not just a physical state?

Anyway, I also read may books to small imposable minds. And in doing so I have discovered serval books that are sure to warp their growth into fuctional members of society.

One for examplen is called : Share Said the Rooster. Written by pammela Ann.

The story revolves around two simple men. One called Bill. The other called Ben. Both of who, go through five short incidents that are there to display the effects of the message.
It is a simple message: Sharing the apple and the ladder wont have you trapped up a tree left to starve or until you eat your counter partner.

Now , of course at the start you expect Bill and Ben to have some negativity to the idea of sharing. Yet as the book progresses through the five simple stores- typically- Bill and Ben would develop an understanding of the practically of sharing.

“ ‘Share!’ said the rooster, ‘share!’ said the hen.
“ ‘No!’ said Bill. ‘No!’ said Ben.”

Apparently this version is a little soft on the new generation and the finally situation ended with the two men having decided to cut a small boat in half to have a piece each- rather then be forced to share it between them at once, or to bother shipping legal ownership between then every other weekday.

Unfortunately it stars to pour and the resulting quote is: “Good bye Bill. Good bye Ben.”

With a rather clear illustration of Bill struggling to keep swimming and Ben already (assumable) drowned.

What I believe is the moral of this story:
“Don’t act like retards! Learn to swim children! And for the love of god: when talking poultry offers advice; HEED THEIR ANIMAL WISDOM!!!”


At the moment:
-I’m kinda hungry coz I made myself a chip samage for lunch, but it tasted funny so I dinna eat its. And also I am contemplating going for my second shower in 12 hours. I like showers. Fuck the Murrey.

Is this Journal to long and tedious with no hint of plot or character development:
Well its certainly more then you needed to know.

Links I find amusing or appreciate or piss your pants worthy:
-[link] -GRATUTIOUS AMOUNTS OF EMERGY REQUIRED TO WATCH THIS!
-[link] -Nature is a cruel mistress.
-[link] – Martha Stuart got some mad skillz! Damn!
-[link] – its true! Its why I am the way I am…i should write one on the books found
-[link] –LOVE HIM! WORSHIP HIM!- its not related Naruto btw…
-[link] -This one is through.

Chris Crocker?:
:rotfl: actually what’s better then a transsexual turning on eh water works over a pop diva is the response he got- best yet- Seth Green’s response.

Don’t Know Chris Crocker yet?:
Get OFF the INTERNET!

Why is everything in this journal under sub headings?
Because I am without a decent segue. Also because-

*retract harpoon button*

I must share this I MUST.

Tell me! How would YOU feel if such a horrible traumatising shocking thing happened to you!??

No I wasn’t raped! Worse! I was LIED TOO by SUGAR!

Here I was. Sitting at the computer not 3 minute ago going nom-nom-nom on a fun-size packet of Skittles. That right. I was TASTING THE RAINBOW. And I was ENJOYING this rainbow. It was a particularly fruitful rainbow and I was happy in my bubble of rainbow sugary ignorance. I was happy.

First! I have an orange one. Then two yellow ones. And then a red one. Then a green. Then an orange and an red and a purple one and so forth UNTIL I tipped the packed onto my palm and encountered the LAST SKITTLE.

It rolled onto my open palm like a child’s spit top. Coming to a final stop at the very centre of my hand. Almost offending bright sunny yellow. Glowing at the centre of my world, was this tiny, ineffectual artificial lemon.

Without much lamenting over the near death of my yellow lemon confectionary- I popped it into my mouth without another thought… Because. For WHO would fear such a pure thing as a skittle?

Little did I know…

As aforementioned, I tossed the little yellow into my mouth. My tongue at ready to receive, teeth parted in anticipation of crushing the solidified sugar into a chewable substance, lips coming together- sealing the seemingly innocent skittle to its fate like the doors or heaven closing t humanities begging as the apocalypse draws nigh.

It sat on my tongue for less then a moment. I rolled the muscle in a dance it has performed so many times before and would many times after. Manipulating the food item on auto pilot, I manoeuvred the skittle between two of my left molars. Upper teeth came crashing down, delivering sweet death of a brave little Skittle in a fashion not unlike that of the guillotine.

Oh, how wrong I was to assume!

Oh, how I regret my ignorance!

Oh! The insanity!

Surly, this is what hell must be like.

Not barely a moment passed. Saliva mixed immediately and carried the results, my senses withdrew a taste of the innards and the wires of my brain snapped to attention in order to comprehend exactly what in gods name was happening inside my mouth.

The confusion of my brain pulled my heart into my throat as if hooked on a string. My stomach plummeted into abysses. My muscles contracted. My toes- well, ok, nothing happened to my toes. But my lungs began to burn for the air my brain as screaming for in order to use the oxygen to power my great matter and produce a Conclusion!

I didn’t recognise this taste.

I had not been what I had expecting, what I had KNOWN I would experience when I crunched down on the candy. My body went into panic. It couldn’t understand. I had no means to.

On reflex, as a body will do in such a frighting situation, when it cannot understand a substance that has entered its body- I lifted up my hand spat out the unfamiliar barely broken confection.

And, by lord if I wasn’t into shock before this moment, I certainly was once my eyes took a gander and inserted their newly acquired conclusion into the equation.

It all made sense now. I understood. I knew the what, I knew the how, I knew the where. Heck! I even know the when!!

But, by god. I couldn’t, for the life of me, conclude a ‘why’!

In my hand. In my open palm I held the offender. The question mark of my existence. The very reason I stood on the earth was to answer this question.

Why?

But, and I still cannot; answer.

Why? Why in gods name? Why the HELL- why the FUCK-Was a FUCKING- M&M MASQUARADING AS A FUCKING SKITTLE!

A little white M is NOT a S!!

Fucking lying candy. PETENDING it was a Skittle!? Can you BELIVE THIS??

Trying to HANG OUT with the skittles!
That’s like me hanging out in the wog cafeteria!

HOLY HELL!
I was scared for my LIFE. I was TERRIFIDE!

Disillusioned chocolate is not artificial fruit sugar!! This is the laws of nature! It in the friggan bible:

“– John 3:16. And hence, the chocolate and chocolatries- shall enter the coated sugar packets, none. For confusion shall rein should gods law be broken. Unto this moment all coated candy be made aware! Hence is the hour in which such sin is purged. –”

How DARE that M&M RUIN my fruity experience!

I’m complaining. I am. It not right I tell you! If I’d wanted a cursed M&M I would have chosen the packed with ‘M&M’s’ Written on it. Fuck~!

I can live in a world where men can become women, and the women; men. I can live in a world where cheese can be stored and distributed from a can. I can live in a world where “the beans are under the milk”. HELL! I can live in a world where Paris Hilton could become a recording artist- as long as she stays the hell away from me.

But I will not stand for this.

Up with this I will not put.

I am deeply traumatised. I am wounded and my wounds will not heal.

I am suing.

So it starts of like this: There I am, minding my own business. The sky is blue, the birds are singing and I’m punching away at this Zebu…

Wait… No. I lied.

There were no birds. Sorry. I thought the story needed something.
Actually now I’ve reminded myself of all violent encounters I’ve had with animals.
Let’s see: I’ve been…

-Bitten by a meerkat.
-A Duck got caught in my hair (I only wanted to kidnap one of its babies! Is that so bad?) and then it shat on me.
-A seagull has also shat on me (good luck? I think not).
-Kicked by a kangaroo (a Baby roo)
-Chased by an emu (its more like I ran screaming from it before it actually made move and my reaction freaked it the fuck out!)
-Stalked by a goat
-Cornered by a goose
-Clung too by crab (the fucker would not let GO!)
-and the occasional claw abuse from my cat…well I do annoy him with all my demands for hugs and the like.

I’m like Doctor Dolittle’s cousin: Podiatrist Pet Abuse. Vet Violence. Nurse… Neurotic…animal….chic…

So I went for job interview the other day. And for days I was a like: ha! It be so funny if I as given this particular question!
So I go in, I’m all nice and clean and done up and they give me this questionnaire. And LOW and BEHOLD! There it is.
Question number 6: Where do you see yourself in 5 years.

OH! The temptation! The urge- the LUST to rip of Mitch Hedburg and write: “Celebrating the 5th year anniversary of you asking me this question.”

OH but I didn’t. I wrote a happy-go-lucky HIREMEFORTHELOVEOFGODHIREME answer:
Celebrating the 5th year aniversy of being hired by…”blablabla
I was disappointed in myself. I so desired…

So you might have guessed: I’m bored. Well since that stupid Tagging thing I got thinkig: WHO starts tagging? If I just make up a bunch of questions and get like two ppl to do it, and so forth… I have started a tag ...ging?

Well why not try it?- I mean besides how much I HATE tagging. In fact that shall be our theme until I get bored of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here we go:

One a scale of 1 to 8,000,009,576, 57; how MUCH do you dislike being tagged?
-I’d say about 8,000,009,676,56.

How much do you hate soppy chain letters like:
“Dear whoever you are, I am a sickly child with only one leg and one third of my left arm. I am also bald. I am so sick that my cancer has AIDs AND HIV. So if you could find it in your heart to send this email on to 20 of your friends 3.4 cents will be donated by some magical resource that will tell us exactly hoe many times you forwarded this email. Thank you –lots of ailing child love- Timmy”.
-Not little Timmy!

So you hate being tagged huh?
-hellaYES!

Think this is stupid and pointless because it will go nowhere and the message will be lost in a hurricane of incoherent, misspelled, abbreviated words with removed vowels, unnecessary exclamations and overall, stupid answers?
- ‘4 Sre!!1@

Hate me yet?
-You know how I feel.

I tag my dad :VeraAda: and :RohanElf: to see if anything comes from this. And anyone who canbefucked: steal this and tag ppl. OH The IRONY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Know something stupid? You know when you get stupid questions in tag things and chain letters that ask stuff like: ‘something no body know about you’ and the like? I have confession I am always super tempted to put down, it I know I never will because you’ll all go: …o.O At me. It’s nothing perverted or disgusting just fucking weird. All I can say is it involved a practically odd form of a snack.
And now it looks like I want you all to demand wtf it is. But I don’t. Because you will all flee. I keep thinking about. Waiting for the day I confess…



Hey! So how about those things!

Wanna hear about me dream? Sure, why not!

So there I am punching this Zebu…

Two Journals in one day; why? Because you touch yourself at night! That’s why!
Also because I was tagged. But mostly because you touch yourself.

You dirty freak.

1-
I know I’m sick when I stop speaking to myself at home. I know I’m better when I start replying to my own questions out loud.

2-
I want to watch ‘Evan Almighty’ -less for the fact that it will be funny and more to see a scene in which the English voice of Naruto plays the mail lady
Hell YEAH!

3-
When I do the washing, I never separate my colours form whites simply because one day, all my pink underwear and such came out purple. AWSOME result.

4-
I have never, and I swear never, Never ever ever ever ever ever ever- EVER! Tried Jalapeños.

5-
I am constantly aware of how much ear wax I have, and how much other ppl have. I am very persistent in cleaning my ears because I love knowing what is NOT in my ear anymore. And I WILL judge you on the amount of wax YOU have, even if you should you have barely a ounce of build up. You Filthy Filthy Whore!

6-
I enjoy going to the doctor and hairdresser and such simply because I like to go into places where I have an appointment.

7-
I enjoy ordering things or complaining over the phone because it gives me a chance to use my professional phone voice.

8-
I cried SO hard at the episode of Futurama when Fry's dog died. For like DAYS i was just Inconsoulable. It was... just...so... friggan... sad! Its my number 3 in Top 5 Big-ass-crys-i've-had Moments. Number 2 was when a Bat died in a book.
yes. i said Bat. Like a nocturnal mammle kinda bat. In a book. a fictiona book. A Fictional CHILDRENS book.
And I did it in public. In the middle of Italian class.

Over a bat.




OHH! And Now WATCH! WATCH as a DEFY the NORMS and END this Branch Tagging Chain right NOW simply because I HATE TAGGING OTHER PPL! OMG!

In the words of Dane Cook:
Fuck Shoes.