For those of you who don’t know this. I am a big milk fan.

Like I mean a total milk fan girl.

I go to pasteurising rallies. I take part in extra curricular dairy related activities. I don’t believe in such lies as: "powdered milk” and I don’t want to hear about any of this “soy” Bullshit.

I am a full cream milk enthusiast drinking kinda gal.

You know why I like milk?

Because if you look out for your milk, Milk will look out for you. Calcium wise anyway. Milk won’t turn around and stab you in the liver and run off with your wallet. Milk won’t sexually abuse you as a child. Milk won’t be your best friend, best man at your wedding, smile with you and cry with you and then one night you come home early from work to find it doing your wife of four years in the wheelbarrow position on your new leather Layzboy. Milk won’t do that, Milk would have told you not to marry that slut in the first place.

Milk won’t hurt you.

Milk is good. Milk is wholesome. Milk is pure. Milk is the drink of LIFE. Just look at all the little baby animals. Go on! See that fluffy kitten batting around some yarn? That puppy scratching his ear.. Oh! He’s loosing his balance! Oh! How adorable!

Know why there so damn cute?? That’s right! It’s all the milk they drink bitches. Nature knows what’s good for it.

So please

Someone.

Anyone…

Please explain to me what happened to me last night. I feel positively raped of the goodness in me. I am now a brittle husk of the bright girl I once was…

…It was a normal sort or night. It was preceded by an even more normal day. It was the kind of night where I’d yet again promised myself to be in bed, slumbering ‘neth the blankets by midnight. And yet again I had failed to keep a promise to myself and it was now 2 am and I was still alert and upright at my desk. The only sound came from my continuous left clicking. Stumbling around the internets was parching work.

And so I decided, as I had done many time before in all my 20 summers, to go and fetch myself a cold beverage.
Of course, at 2am, you can hardly drink alone. First I needed sustenance to complement my drink.
I rooted about in the cupboards for some time. Unlike a racoon, which I imagine would have made much more noise and been far less picky.

‘Biscuits?’ Asked myself internally. ‘Nay.’ Crumby crummies were not what my taste was seeking. ' peanut butter? Oreo sticks? Water crackers?’ One by one these failed to please.

So finally I said ‘fuck it.’ And slid the last of the white chocolate cake onto a plate.

So delighted by the prospect of cake (it was practically nummy kind of cake, might I add!), this quickly became a meal I was quite anticipating. Of course, now that my secondary motive was complete, my main objective became clear.

Course there was little question now. For whatever could accompany late night cake better, then the king of beverages himself!

I’m taking about Milk of course!

I swiftly sought out a tall glass and set it on the bench top.

I approached the fridge as I would and old trusted friend. Open arms, with a small warm smile. It greeted my back, flicking on the gold internal light before I could open the door to further darkness. The cold blast wafted over me, and I felt as if I could have been standing in front of an automatic fan on a very low setting while someone held an ice try in front of the blades. Yes. That was the feeling.

I reached down without having to look. I knew my fridge as well as it knew me. The fridge and I were close. If you had given us both a questionnaire on each others favourite things just to measure how well we knew each other; we’d have past with flying colours.

My fingers tightened around the handle. Yes. This felt right. The weight was familiar, although the bottle was new. Unopened. Fresh. Untouched.

Some might ever say ‘virginal’. I wouldn’t though. I think that’s just creepy.

I set it down on the bench and shut the fridge with my foot. I’m just cool like that. I can open doors with my feet. I know it’s weird. But it comes in handy when my hands are full. And I’m not just talking handles. I can turn knobs too.

But enough about that.

I stood firm, feet parted, aligned with my shoulders, and parallel to the bench. I took the handle of the plastic in my left hand and griped the seal and cap with right. Turning until I heard the musical ‘snap snap snap’ of the seal. I relaxed my grip and spun the cap clock wise until it fell away in my hand…


…And WOE!

How betrayed I am! How the spite boils in my gut. How the rage itches between my bones. How wronged I feel! How distrusted! All the world is wronged!
TO FIND SUCH AN INSULT IN THE PLACE I WOULD LEAST SUSPECT!!

And yet… the emotions I felt did not surface. I simply stood. Silent. Still. Staring. Openly aghast at the sight. The lid clutched tight between my fingers.

Oh what a horrible sight I did behold!!

There, at the neck of the bottle, vacuumed tight, and with a hint of sliver foil….was a second seal.

Just…Just THERE! Like it had always been. And I know that surly isn’t true! It didn’t not belong! It was not a art of my ‘milk pouring process’ It never has been and I’ll be DAMNED if it starts to be common!

I must have started for 20 seconds r so before all my swarming emotions bubbled to the surface and took from of a soft unbelieving “ ….What?”

I Opened it! And it STILL was not open!

I EXPECT this kind of BULLSHIT form JUICE! Vitamin water and powerade and the likes! But …BUT MILK??!!!

Since WHEN!!???

Will there be a time when I tell my gran kids about the past? The past BEFORE the future? A time when milk wasn’t just a vacuum sealed solid pill that you took once a Splinenium? A time… when milk was true?

This is how its starts people. First they’re double sealing our milk… then triple sealing our ovens… SOON you’ll need 8 keys, 2 retina scans and a stool sample JUST to open a bag of chips.


So anyway, in the end, I ripped the fucker off and threw him in the trash. Where he belongs.
Fuck that. I won’t stand for this in my house.

My cake was good though.

Mm.

Very good cake.

So it’s not really any of your business, but lately I’ve been brushing my teeth in the shower.

I used to brush before my shower and before that I used to brush afterwards, but I didn’t like standing damp and cold longer then necessary.

Also, the fan in my bathroom doesn’t work. And I don’t like having the window open in case one day I suddenly get the urge to sing and my neighbours will hear and judge me. The bastards. So it always very foggy in my bathroom and I guess the paint of my celling is going start bubbling due to the constant damp.

I don’t mind. I hate cream walls.


I like girl’s names that start with ‘I’. Imogene, Ingrid, Inga…

I dislike most boys’ names that start with ‘E’. Eustace, Eugene, Eddie…


I work in child care right? If Hollywood and popular culture has taught me much about childcare it’s that someone always gets peed in the mouth during a nappy change. It’s never happened to me. Or anyone I’ve meet. But I’m still anxious.


I know that: 20% of the time, there’s a guy who looks like Sasuke.


Last night I woke up quite thirsty. Nothing unusual there. I reached out for the water bottle on my bedside and put it too my mouth an went “Eughhhh!!” And pulled it away.
Heres a tip: moisturiser tastes FOUL.

Now I was still half asleep even as I recognised I’d put moisturizer in my mouth and wiped it of my tongue. What’s weirder is that in my ‘more asleep then not’ stage, some part of my brain recognised the grip my hand had on my moisturiser bottle and absently poured some into my hand like I would normally do. I then put that hand to my mouth because I guess my brain was still thinking: ‘Find Water’ and not really considering it’s methods in its search.

“Eugghhhh!!” I said again. And again had to wipe it off my tongue.

I had no idea my moisturiser tasted SO damn Bad! Really!

Now they say ‘Repetition is the mother of stupidity’. I have to agree when did it for the THIRD TIME and again responded with an appropriate “EUGGGHHH!!” followed by a loud: “WHAT THE F@#K?!”

Finally my brain gave up on my moisturiser magically turning into h20 by the power of will and determination, and I finally put it down and hunted down my water bottle.

Even that tasted foul because of all the sorboleeney aftertaste.

I wasn’t at the top of my game at the time.


Right now I’m waiting for the courier to come pick up my computer. The washing machine has 1 hour and 26 minutes left to go. The cat is staring at me form the doorway, trying to use mind control by the power of will to get me to refill his bowl. Again. I’m sniffing coz I have a blocked nose in the morning lately. I have a total of 2 windows open. 1 is this journal, and the other is my facebook Inbox, which I need to copy and past five’s and six’s from because they don’t work on my keyboard. This is the only time i use facebook; inbox purposes. God i hate facebook... But hey. are YOU Craig Sars Friend? No. Your not. God im special.


The first words I can see around me (not on the computer) are: ‘Data Code: 0307’ and ‘Gameboy Colour’ and ‘Cameo’


I got a total of 3 and a quarter hours of sleep last night. Not for any good reason mind you. Just because I cant keep a promise to myself and be in bed by 10.30.


It is universal truth that no one can argue this:
[link]


So I still haven’t read Breaking Dawn.

I went out and bought it the day it came out and then I got home and I looked at it and it looked back at me and suddenly I was plagued with visions of what was to come and I just cant handle that shit right now people.

So now it sits on my bedside (maybe I’ll eat that by accident tonight and save myself from ever having to actually Read It.)

Don’t both trying to spoiler me, I already know what happens (I think we’ve all known since the around the 11th chapter of Twilight. I mean, the dramatic twists and turns were more like the plot kinda thought about tilting in one direction for a while, thinking really hard about it, and then made the decision and turned on the left hand blinker so as not to alert the traffic.) yeah. We’ve all seen this coming since day 1.

If you didn’t… well… simple things for simple minds. Lower standards equals more fun…


Anyone remember this shoe called ‘Minty’? Only aussies would I think. It was omne of those typical: ‘Zomg, a complete stranger looks just like me lets switch places!’ shows… anyone?


Goddamn I hate the Olympics.


And so anyway, ignoring all the unnecessary crap; my original point was this:

Marble runs make me smile.

Go on.

Try to resist.

You cant.

You lie.

[link]
Crafty bastard… he has too much time on his hands … I admire that.

My Thing says I was listening to Hong Kong Garden when this was all happening. It Lies! It was the Lion Kind when it was posted! Oh I just can’t wait to be kiiiing….

…URG!

OK.

Lets go.

Go team!

A Challenge.

I may have promised this journal would be like 6 scroll bars worth… which at the time I meant a page. So, 6 pages…

A scroll bars worth would be damaging….

You know what! I don’t have to prove myself to you lot!! This page will be nothing other then what it is! Fly page of ranting! Flyyy….

For some reason I entitled this word doc:
Cats are Dicks.

I’ve no idea why. And I really would like to know what I had been thinking at the time to believe it was memorable enough that I would know what I had been thinking… I hate it when I think I will remember something nd the later on I see my own ‘hint’ or whatever and I go: ……What? What the fuck…

……..

…Subheadings are luff!!
Yes. Yes they are. No one needs a segue when you’ve got subheadings!

So Lets Get Started.
….I sit here and now theres PRESHA to come up with something to rant about….

…Under PRESHA…

So…. I’ve been meaning to play kingdom hearts again. It’s pretty much that or The Hobbit. The Hobbit was good wholesome fun an’ all…. Until I met the fucking evil dancing frogs that RUN at you and I freak out when things run at me. I like it even less when things run AFTER me like the fucking spiders. And then I got past those eventually- then I met the UNDEAD FUCKERS hiding in the forest that SEEK ME OUT. And once I kill one, another one comes an takes his place.

And I liked them far less then how much I didn’t not un-like the spiders.

You heard me.

So the hobbit has been sitting idle since that dark day and kingdom hearts is, again, half played.
………FUCKING DEMYX!!!

Then again, I am not sure I WANT to play it again because of those assy Berserkers….
I won’t lie to you. The first time the hammer dudes came after me I, literally: screamed, paused, and threw the controller away from me.

Don’t run at me!!! How many times must I say IT???!!

What’s the plot for the third one?? Isn’t it like that bitch, whatsername…. Kari! Isn’t it about her? I ain’t playing a game about no zipper princess. No item of clothing needs that many zippers bitch.
And you don’t deserve Sora’s devotion man.
….he is a little bit of a stalker isn’t he. I mean, when you think about it…

But by that logic so is Naruto.

…FUCK YOU** Kishimoto!! How is Naruto going to DEAL about Sasuke making a get away this time??
Stop doing that to him! Just give him is BFF and be done with all this Uchiha drama. Get down to the gritty and let’s go somewhere with Naruto’s character plot… When will he learn of Jiriya!!!??? D: D: D:

**…I’m sorry Kishimoto…. I didn’t mean it…*tears*

Know what I don’t appreciate?
This bitch seller on eBay. Who I bought the most AWSOME Tokidoki Bags off (which luckily I had not yet paid for) and they were just suddenly not a registered user!?! And I was all: ….‘dear *sellers name*, I recently noticed you are no longer a registered suer and that my purchase has been removed of eBay for undisclosed reasons. I am just noting to state “WTF!?”. Please get back to me on this matter.’

I did not get a reply. But a few months later they were a registered user again. And they no longer sell the bags.

Guess who now sends abusive messages though ghost accounts?

Yep.

Jesus.

Know what I do appreciate?
Jesus having my back.

My Lime Wire isn’t working atm.
I makes me sad. Everyday. All day. All the time.
Where will I get my illegal downloads now? Torrents are twats. I like ma lime wire …when it works D:

Pimpin Pastry
So DoodleBug and I made a cake.

And not just ANY cake my dear friends.

I was a full out, jazzed up, gun-ho, uber slick; PIMP CAKE! ~Holla!

The original idea was a Bling Cake. And we were gunna coat it with edible ball bearings. But then our minds started throwing out ‘IMP PIMP PIMP’ instead of ‘BLING BLING BLING’. I guess because the two go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. But regardless, form bling and shiney, we went to bling and a pimp cane. Maybe one day we shall share photos. (If I ever get them to you jess *Wince* don’t hurt me!)

It really didn’t taste as AWSOME as it looked. But nothing ever does. I mean, look at Ya Mum….

….BURN!

Bored?
Yes. So bored that I was going through old journals. And so bored that I am going to do more ‘Facts You Don’t Know…’ lists.

1/
The first time I ever stole something, I was around 6 or 7. I was at the service station and I tried to take a little packet of bolt nuts to use as toys and props when I played with ‘my little pets shops’ (don’t question my logic! I was a child!). I didn’t get away with it.

2/
I Still, have never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER Tried Jalapeños!

3/
I am really attached to my cat. So I’ve decided my cat will never die. He is immortal and will never die. Ever.

4/
The second time I stole something, I was in a clothes shop. And I went into the change room and put a top on underneath what I was already wearing. I could have bought it, but didn’t want to spend 30 bucks. I did get away with that and I don’t wear the top all that much.

5/
My sister was old enough to look after me when I was a kid. So now that we’re both adults- she says she doesn’t want kids and that I put her off them because I was such a horrible child. Not it’s up to me to give mum and dad grandkids apparently. Severs me right I suppose.

6/
I once burst into hysterics when I woke up too late to watch Pokemon.

7/
From year 8 I had a maths test every Friday. I used to pretend to be writing the entire lesson, and the right at the end, my friend would fill in the sheet for me and give me answers. Because I really really really didn’t want to do it.
This continued until year 10 when our math classes were split up.
I still can’t do maths.

8/
I often have to assure myself that my house is not being broken into in the dead of night.

9/
The Last time I stole something, I took a mannequin hand from Portmans. I spent a good 5 minutes pretending to be on the phone while trying to unscrew the hand inconspicuously. I did get away with it.
Joy!

What- no-what the fucks are you doing!? You can’t do that here!
I just did biatch!

What’s with the ‘thieving’ theme? You some kind of crazy clepto??
Clearly.

Sigh
I’ve made things awkward between us, haven’t I?

Fucking Threadless Junkie
I admit I have a problem. That’s the first step right? I’m wearing one as I say this.

The second step would be quitting I guess- but fuck that! I’ve still got t-shirts to buy!!!

It really is a problem. I own close to 30 t-shirts and 2 hoodies. From [link]

This is all on top of my already unreasonable wardrobe. But to add about 25% of it is PUERLY Threadless Brand Clothes….

I just…… REALLY like them. I love the puns, the designs, the jokes, the sales, the colures, the fabric, the sizes, the styles, the smell…

But…. 30????!!!
I have one for every day of the month at least. How fucked up is that???!!!

….Oh my god… I am SO going to do that! I am going to wear a different one each day of the month!! Starting on the 1st with the first ones I ever bought!

…a Prooooojeeeeect fooooooor Maaaaaaay!!!

…So, I hear you read Twilight.
Sadly, yes.

Why do you like it?
I really don’t know! Its PURE Mary Sue!!!! The only answer is brainwashing! Brainwashing in the pages!

Obsessed? Just like everyone else?
Yes.

Unhappy about that?
Yes.

Wish you hadn’t read it?
No!

Hmm…. We still have about 2 and half pages to fill up? What will we do?
How about a list of random links? With double spacing?

That’ll work!
[link]

[link]

[link]

[link]

[link]

[link]
D:

Anyone who looks like Vincent Ventresca in your life?
Why yes there is! He works at a subgay restaurant.

Dear guy who looks like Vincent Ventresca who works at SubGay
I know there is more to you then your outer clone layer of Vince. I am sure you are a fine upstanding citizen, a well rounded member of this society. I know, for a fact, that you have artistic talents that go beyond making sandwiches- although it is a masterful talent you wield behind that counter-I know you can go further in life then making lunch for Jarred.
I know you better then any other SubGay customer. I know your heart! I know that when you make my sandwiches, you make them with care.
Run away with me forever. And our LOVE will be our bread. And our PASSION will be the meat! And our ATTRACTION will be the cheese! And our STRENGTH and LOYALTY will be represented by sauces and dressing of our choosing.
And we’ll think up a metaphor for the chocolate cookies later. But for now, lets just focus on being together forever.
Till Then, My Love.

Why is Vincent Ventresca pure love?
Have you not seen ‘Complete Savages’ or ‘The Invisible Man’?? XD XD XD
Don’t fight me of this! I’ll win.

I Found My Marbles.
Something AMAZING HAPPENDED LAST NIGHT!!!

I did MATHS!! CORRECT and PERFECT MATHS WITHOUT A CALCULATOR!!!! I used the MaD POWERZ of my brain!
(my brain had a moment, despite what the fact list above claims. I am allowed one relapse.)

It was a question in a mind game. I cant remember what it as called (give me a break! my brain is exhausted from all my calculations and schematics!) anyway, the game is filled with questions like:

You have one match. You need to light 1, the hurricane lamp, 2, a camp fire, 3, the water boiler. It is quickly becoming cold. What do you light fisrt?
…
…….
…………….
…………………………..
…………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………..
…………………………..
…………….
……
…
…answer?
The Match.

Are you angry?
I bet you’re angry.

Anyway,
The maths question went so:

You have a jar. And in it, you put ONE germ. After ONE minute, the germ has multiplied into TWO germs. After THREE minutes, there are now FOUR germs in the jar. It takes ONE HOUR to fill the jar.
Now, how long would it take to fill the jar, if you start out with TWO germs?

Answer? Give it a try bitchz!
The first one to give me the right answer gets …NOTHING!!
I aint your fucking mother! Although she is here with me….
(OOHHHH BUUUUURRRRNNNNN)

Anyway, that’s 6 pages of double spaced, incoherent, misspelt, unrelated adventure!

Hope that met your standards Dad.

Pages: 7.4
Words: 1,956

My longest yet (since I’ve been counting anyway)
*dead*

I haven’t updated my journal in forever.
Oh JOY! Guess what IM into now! *grumble*
I’m looking at you RohanHo! You and your impeccable taste! You whore!


Twilight Series Survey:

Which book in the series is your favourite?
Twilight

How long did it take you to read the books?
About a week for all three. I read the first on in 12 hours, and then dashed out to find the next two. Only once I finished new moon I panicked and didn’t want to finish eclipse so fast. So I tried to ignore it.
I failed.

Who introduced you to the books?
the internets. I heard the fandom going on about them, and I was like: whats the harm? LITTLE did I know….

Did you buy them, borrow them, or have them given to you as a gift?
buy. Because I aint cheap!

Are you most looking forward to: Breaking Dawn, Midnight Sun, or the movie?
Breaking dawn. I am worried about the movie O.O and I don’t know how to feel about Midnight sun yet. I’d rather have Meyers put the effort into a 5th book, rather then a recap. Yuk.

What's your dream ending to the series?
I am there.

Which book cover was your favourite?
Twilight.

Are these books among your favourite books of all?
Hoyes. I haven’t read something obsessively in a while. There hasn’t been much out there lately and it makes me sad…

Twilight or New Moon?
Twilight

New Moon or Eclipse?
Eclipse

Eclipse or Twilight?
Twilight.

Are you more excited about Breaking Dawn or Midnight Sun?
…didn’t we go through this?

Who do you want to see Bella with most: Edward or Jacob?
Edward. Because it makes sense! I don’t care how, logically, Bella was intended for Jacob -Edward is a freak and lives forever and he put our modern boy to shame. And it wouldn’t matter how justified the situation was, if Bella had ever, or ever does, end up with Jacob I will throw a fit. Because we would have been THOUGH ALL THAT for NOTHING!
In short, Bells for Edwards.


Who's the better villain: James or Victoria?
James. Victoria was….. pretty Meh. And extremist whore really. She never put herself in trouble, never pulled a clever scheme…She had no real character to me other then she was a murderous crazy ho who liked her mate. James was his own man -er- vampire.

Werewolves or Vampires?
Vampires.

How did you first find out about the movie?
Today. On the official website.

Are you excited?
no. I am anxious as to what they’ve done to it!! D:

What do you think of the casting so far?
The guy who plays Edward makes me laugh. He does suit Edward. It just the way his face is angled into the camera in every picture.
I am saddened he was Cedric throu. Anyone who had anything to do with those movies makes me sad… I hope Radcliff didn’t give him any advice!!

Are you going to go see it?
NO YA THINK??

Planning on going with anyone in particular?
Ya mum.

Do you think it will stay true to the book?
pfft. Does it ever stay true to the book?? Really?

Are you planning on buying the 4th book as soon as it's out?
Obviously.

Do you think Bella will be turned into a vampire finally?
Ya.

Do you think she and Edward will get married?
Ya.

Do you think Jacob might imprint in this book?
I don’t think he ever will imprint. I don’t want him to anyway. He either HAS imprinted (on Bella obviously) and lied or he never will. If he does I will cry because it is so ‘happy ending’. I liked that he is left out. It’s realistic and makes him a stronger character who fought and lost his love, then the guy who fought, lost, got over it pretty quickly all things considered, and then found his REAL long lost love. It makes what he feels for Bella seem weak and that everything he has gone through pointless.
If he ever finds anyone else, it wont be someone he imprints on. It’s just someone he likes very much. Eventually loves. And world rather be with, then without. Course, none of that would be in the book. I’m talking 15-20 years.

Who do you think Bella will end up with : Edward or Jacob?
…

Do you think it will be a happy, sad, or shocking ending?
Hopefully a shock. I’m tired of predicting where it was going.

Who do you think will be the villain(s) of the book this time?
The Volturi.

How would you feel about a possible vampire / werewolf cross?
Mad. Very Mad. Like; HULK MAD.

Will Charlie find out Edward is a vampire?
No. that would be stupid. …I’m looking at YOU fanfic writers!!!

Will the vampires and werewolves continue the truce they had in Eclipse?
Yes and no. They will, but it won’t be called upon. The wolves will still be bitchy and throw around the cuss words, and the vamps will still be mildly pretentious. Everyone will still have a mostly narrow mind.

If anyone, who do you think will die in this book?
Dumbledore.
No, It will either be something big at the end like Emmett, or like Embry getting picked off midway and everyone has a cry and then has a big battle. Or perhaps both. Or perhaps no one at all.

For a twist: what would you think if Edward was somehow turned human?
That Stephanie Meyers hates us.
That or she was replaced by a newbie fanfic writer.

Do you think Jacob will be over Bella by the end of the book?
Not at all. But healing or rather not healing and forcing his feelings down at least so he wont act on them. As much.

What do you most want to happen in Breaking Dawn?
Drama.

What's your dream ending?
Couldn’t say. A dramatic one?

In which book did you like Bella's character best?
twilight.

How about Edward's?
…twilight.

If it were possible...who would you most want to meet in person?
Your mom.


FARK! Why don’t the obsessions leave me BE!??

Guess’s on who’d I’d choose??

Some Alternative Titles considered for this entry were:
-The eBay Llama Debacle
-Enter Fatsy! -(if you can FIT!)
-Santa! You Dirty Old Fool!
-Because I haven’t mentioned Naruto in the entry; I feel obligated to say his name in the title.
-If Sheep Revolt…
-‘Overreaction’ Is The New ‘Christmas Spirit’
-Feel No Obligation Whatsoever To Love Thy Retarded Neighbour
-How To Know If Your An eBay Whore 101
-Warring! By now its Very Very Very Flamable!
-I shall call him Richard!
-I offer a lot of things in this entry
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok, who heard about censoring Santa??

No? well let me tell you!
Despite the fact that popular culture here in Australia isn’t half as uptight as America and the simple fact that the word ‘HO’ here really has two meanings before that of ‘lady of the night’ (and they are: gardening tool and 1/3 of Santa’s catch phrase.) The public has been “URGED” to replace Chris Cringles patented motto: ‘Ho Ho Ho’ with ‘Ha Ha Ha’

Wtf, Anyone?

Why? Because Oh WOE! Some stars-and-stripes twat was suddenly woken in a cold sweat in the middle of the night when the cold hard realisation hit him hard in the gut. That- gasp!- Children will grow up and make the connection! Between daddy’s new blonde secretary ‘friend’ that comes and stays for sleep overs when mummy’s at weekend business seminars… and Santa….???

Overreaction, Anyone?

Really Now!? Honestly! Today’s children aren’t so piss weak! They will DEAL! I know children now! They like fights! They like dirt! They like eating the sand outta the sand pit and will eat food they drop on the floor! CHILDREN ARE FILTHY WORLD! And they will grow up and be as retarded as us and laugh- actually LAUGH at the word ‘enis’ and ‘vulva’ in grade five! And they don’t give a damn!!

They have far better things to do with their time then to focus on how our faces contort with muse when we hear Santa cry: Ho Ho Ho. They will not make the connection unless we told them. And even then- by the time they grow up and become awear, today’s children will have a word FAR worse then HO. We aren’t protecting them from Shit!

Heated Rant, Anyone?

Do I really have to o round to every childcare centre I can (break into) and replace all the Christmas displays ‘A’s with ‘O’s??? I will never endorse an ‘A’ in place of ‘O’! We kicked the black sheep out of our nursery rhymes of fear of…? Of what!! Did you think that if the sheep were to ever take over the world that the black one would demand an apology for all the black oppression? -(well I suppose that is Australia’s and America’s thing.) it’s a fucking EXPRESSION! Black sheep! Not a fucking metaphor for years of black oppression! Geeze! Sometimes a nursery rhyme really IS just a fucking harmless non-metaphorically-racacialy-brainwashing nursery rhyme.

Fuck wussy overy sensitized logic! My Santa, who has always had a dirty fascist closed mind and a gutter mouth, cracks the bondage whip over 12 overworked underpaid jewish/African American and Aboriginal reindeer (some of which are single working mothers). He pulls away in the devils sled while practicing black magic (how else do you think he gets all over the world in one night?) and cries out: “WHORE! SLUT! BANDWAGON!”
-and I have grow up to be neither a ‘Whore’ NOR a ‘Bandwagon!’

…

Wasted Joke, Anyone?

Besides Santa will sound like a crack head if he says Ha Ha Ha!

Stupid American bible mothers! I blame you!!

And speaking about Obese Mammals- there was this massive ass koala hanging round my yard the otherday.

Oh Hell! Its Fatsy the Carnivorous Koala!

I’m pretty sure the only reason Fatsy is so close to human abode is because he has developed a taste for human flesh.
He’s pretty damn fat. He’s the fattest Koala I’ve ever seen. He cannot be getting all that from gum leaves.
But, If you have the patience to sitting a tree all day waiting for that curious pump onlooker to wander into attack perimeter- then sure, you probably do deserve to eat them. But I don’t like Fatsy the Carnivorous Koala living so close. It puts me on edge and I expect an attack at any time.

Drop Bear, Anyone?

He’s still out there too. We can hear him making that growl pissed off noise they do in the dark.

He’s almost as loud as the (FUCKHEAD) neighbours who make and equally annoying hissing noises at our fences.

I swear! My (ASSTARD) neighbours use so much aerosol can spray on ‘making a point’ that I’m starting to wonder if they just actually dedicate a proportion of their budget to buying bulk toilet pray- OR they’ve just gotten REAL good at imitating the sound. And they just hang round the base of the brush fence and occasionally lift their hands to their mouths for an echo effect and go: ‘HESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ at us.

I wouldn’t be surprised. Its not like they have better things to do.

They must be solely responsible for about a solid 12% of the hole in the ozone layer by now. What assholes.

Does anyone else but me see the irony in their evil plan to teach us all a lesson about flame involving habits with extremely flammable liquids? Not to mention the fence between us is a brush Fence- and they basically go up in flames if you look at them the wrong way as it is.

One day people… One day it will happen.

And I’ll film it.

And then YouTube it.

And the world will laugh along with me. And the song that will play in the background? I’ve already made the decision.

…Neeeeeighbouuurs… Everybody needs good Neeeeiiighbbooours…

Now I kinda want my house to be under a sudden fire threat because DAMN! As if I you wouldn’t get about 80,000 hits for that video.

Public Humiliation, Anyone?

…My hand smells like chocolate… like Kinda Surprise chocolate no less…
Did anyone, when they were a kid, just grab one without a care? I mean, all I can remember is like holding two and weighing them against each other and glaring at a row of very lightweight ones… trying to decide if it was worth the risk of getting a shitty mini ass elf puzzle as opposed to the heavy ass ones, which, although felt as if they had more promise- could also turn out to be destined failures.

Remember the little statues?? Who in the FUCK were they OF!!?? Anyone still got those??

I distinctly recall this day in primary school, I was in the canteen, and this hilly billy kid comes in a tried too pay with one of those- Assuring the canteen volunteer staff that they were made of the EXACT same materials used to make Australian $2 Dollar coins.

He failed to make an financial exchange with the novelty. But you gotta admit, had moxie to try it.

Anyway, onto my final thought:

EBAY IS GOD!

Second only too… well, you should know by now.

Recently I’ve acquired a debit card and my GOD! I hadn’t lived till now! I had no idea how long I gone on not knowing the pleasure of ‘bid wars’ and paying overpriced postage and screaming “NO YOU WHORE! DON’T BID NOW! ITS GOT 6 DAYS LEFT! AHHHGGG!”- at the computer, for so long. Its amazing I made it as far as I did without it.

Sigh! These have been Halcyon Days.

So anyway, I get the package and I’m all hazzah! Over it coz well… its mail… and its got my name on it…and it went through customs and all and its…just fucking great to receive shit through the system. No matter what the fuck it is or where it came from. You could mail me a leaf and I’d be happy.

Anyway, recently I received a Llama.

Yes, a Llama.

Now originally I was expecting a fox

So when I pulled a Llama out of the package, I was a little surprised- but nether the less bemused at the delightful randomness of the situation. Of all animals made by that maker- I received one that has made a prominent appearance in daily referencing and inside jokes.

I wasted no time in letting the sender know of course:

Hi ------
Recently I bought and received a purchase from you- and it arrived very prompt for which you receive many kudos.
But I am afraid it is not exactly what I was expecting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the item. It appears to be very well made and the general size I was expecting.
Its just as far as I can tell, it appears to be a Llama.
Or perhaps an Alpaca- but I cannot tell which and as far as I am aware they both look very much the same.
Now there is nothing wrong with Llama’s either. Or Alpaca’s for that matter.
Its just that I was expecting a fox.
Perhaps I simply live in an ignorant time and this just happens to be today’s take on a fox and while I expected a classic design- modern vulpine structure supports a long neck and thick woollen coat. Or perhaps my package was accidentally switched. Who knows.
Until I hear back for you, Richard (as I have taken to call the decidedly more-llama-like-then—an-alpaca appearing plush) is resting safely is his packaging inside the box he arrived in.
till then.

-Regards

And the response I received made my decidedly amusing day better when the seller claimed full responsibility for the mix up and offered me a full refund or my original purchase but in either case, offered will all apologies that I keep the Llama.

Having bought so much absolute crap- I now wait patiently by the windows come midday now. And find it greatly amusing to watch the postman struggle to fit my packages into the mailbox and then run out a second later to retrieve them. The only thing better is when they come to the door.

OHH! And while I’m thinking about it!! I want this guy: P Fucking DESTROYED! He’s always butting in! Excusing all capital p’s to be the same! Well there not Mr P!!

There is ‘’ and then there’s correct grammar used p’s in which a capital s sometimes necessary! It’s not ALWAYS your cue, alright! Stop butting in on my entry’s and whatnot!

YOU should be removed from the ‘emotions’ list and replaced with a family friendly attentive: :broccoli: HE would do his job right!!

Finally, On and ending note:
This entry was a brain melting:

Pages: 5
Word Count: 1,841


I wonder if there is a limit?? At what point does the scroll bar start twitching under the pressure and break down? I wonder what was the longest DA journal in DA history? Or a record for the most unrelated topics discussed in one entry?

Your head a’splode yet??